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How it feels to reject

I asked someone if he had ever rejected a woman before.

"Yes, years ago," he said. "I was sixteen. This girl named Barbara was after me. She thought we had something going. I never thought that. I never even kissed her. She saw me with another girl and got very mad."

Did he feel remorse or guilt?

"No," he said. "I didn't feel anything for her. It was so long ago. She was fat, ugly and stupid. Not my type."

But he still remembered her name.

Ah! If she were slender, pretty, and smart --- his type --- would he have rejected her? Probably not. And if he did, would he have felt guilty or regretful? If he cared at all about her, then perhaps he would have felt some regret. Otherwise, it would have been too easy to let go and just forget about it.

This conversation reminded me of all those times I rejected friendly advances of well-meaning gentlemen. If I weren't physically attracted to them or in want of a romantic relationship, no matter how much I enjoyed their company, I would not want to encourage them. I didn't feel guilty if they understood my rejection and became my friends.

However, the few I did care for but had to reject for different reasons, I am left wondering whether I'd ever get closure. By closure, I mean, a peace of mind and a freedom to move forward in my life.

Unless the rejected understood the reasons I had to say no, I can't be entirely sure he has forgiven me for rejecting him. Forgiveness from the rejected requires first an apology by the rejecter.

The Dutch word for apology verontschuldiging consists of two words - ont and schuldig, which mean respectively UN and GUILT. It means literally "a plea to take away the guilt." Only when you apologise will you be able to remove your feelings of guilt. If your apology isn't understood or accepted, however, you will continue to roam the barren earth as a tortured soul.

30 May 2004 Sunday

Related entries & links:
Dealing with rejection
I wonder why - a poem about unanswered love
Woman - poem
People with big egos have a difficult time being rejected. They think it's a personal blow to their existence as a human being.
Take the slender, pretty, and smart girl, for example. If someone were to reject her, she may conclude that she is a bad person or that there's something rotten inside of her. It couldn't be because she was unattractive. Unless of course, she is confident enough to conclude that the rejecter is defective.
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Anne Ku at Ilp in May 2001
Anne Ku

writes about her travels, conversations, thoughts, events, music, and anything else that is interesting enough to fill a web page.
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